I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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