I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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