I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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