I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
