If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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