worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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