If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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