I cannot find my penis.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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