Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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