i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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