Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
