she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
