There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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