i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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