I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
