You made me cry and you don't even care
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
