I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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