I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
