I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
