I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
