I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
