I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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