a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
