Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
