The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
