I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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