I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
