They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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