My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
