i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
