you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
