remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
even my farts smell like vagina
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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