i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
