dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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