There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
