I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
