did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
