mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
