I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
