Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
