I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
