we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I deserve this hangover.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
