the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
