Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
