you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
