Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
