I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
