my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
