haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
