I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
